It’s a picture and a journal entry day today. When I first started this journal last year some major changes were taking place in my life. I can’t remember if I ever circled back and talked about what those changes involved.
I remember when I was young, before my teenager years, making a vow to myself to never get divorced like my parents did. Having divorced parents was rough. I can remember a time when they were both together and then they weren’t anymore. I don’t remember when or how it happened. I can’t remember details about what made it hard, but I do remember vowing to not do that to my kids. What I didn’t consider way back when was that both people in the marriage have to commit to that same vow.
For reasons that I do not understand, I am officially divorced (at least paperwork has been turned in and the deadline has passed). I am fully aware of my part in the relationship, and responsible for it. What I am unaware of is why it had to end. Sure, the relationship was broken but we were both Christians serving a God who restores what’s broken.
Melissa and Jenna both came up to Idaho this week to spend time with me, but also to pick up Lukas and bring him back to California for the summer. I went over to their Air BnB today to hang out for a bit, but it just feels weird. It’s not just the fact that Melissa sent me divorce papers less then two months ago, but Jenna is still not wanting anything to do with me and only talks to me when her mom scolds her for not.
The picture below is of Jenna. My daughter, my first born, the young woman that i would cross through hell on Earth to save and she won’t speak more than a word or two at a time to me. It’s an ironic statement because I am doing more than crossing through hell on Earth to save her right now. I pray for her often. I’m not a perfect man. I have lied, cheated, and stolen many things in my life but what confuses me the most is how chasing after Jesus has led to this. A failed marriage and a disconnected daughter.
My prayer for both Melissa and Jenna is that they find peace, God’s peace, not fabricated or circumstantial peace. God’s peace is peace. I will keep walking and following after Christ as long as I have to because I love Him more than them and their approval. But I still love them both very much. It breaks my heart to be disconnected to both of them. It’s not supposed to be this way.
